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Are vampires being properly audited?

September 3, 2009

Im sure you do, you gold digger...

I'm sure you do, you gold digger...

I just finished watching Twilight, out of morbid curiosity and mild feelings of obligation to stay in touch with mainstream pop-culture. Keeping in mind that vampires are the new trucker hat, I am left pondering one overwhelming issue: why are vampires always rich?

Despite differing mythologies, this is the one constant in all vampire universes. For the life of me I can’t quite figure out the logistics behind it.

True Blood, Twilight, Underworld, Interview With a Vampire, Bram Stocker — in every iteration, vampires spend all their time sitting around in castles and million dollar homes, drive nice cars, wear the finest clothing and just wax philosophical about how awesome they are.

Don’t these motherfuckers work? Do you know what the property tax on a $5-million dollar house is? Lots! Not to mention insurance (for eternity) and an exorbitant energy bill for lighting up that giant house every single night. Plus when you live in a crib that size, you can’t exactly evade, you know? The man knows you’re there.

Superman has more powers than a vampire, but he still worked a regular 9-to-5 with other poor journalists in a news room. Hell, Spiderman basically got threatened with eviction from his shitty New York apartment every time he forgot to take photos of himself.

Yet vampires just roll around on dubs and have cash reserves in perpetuity? And they can’t all be old money, if that’s what you’re thinking — you’re telling me no vampire ever got the munchies and just turned a homeless dude one day? I know a crack fiend when I see one and vampires are definitely not above eating them.

If I was a bloodsucking supernatural being, I can think of no brilliant means by which I’d get rich without the government (or police) knocking down my door within the month. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

Also, Twilight was a horrible movie.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Jesse permalink*
    September 3, 2009 11:27 am

    well said. That was the only flick playing on a flight home from Cuba last year. I would have stayed longer if I knew it meant I got to watch something that wasn’t 100 % geared towards 12-year-old girls. It’s like Judy Blume for goths.

  2. Dust permalink
    September 3, 2009 4:22 pm

    Well, I suppose a basic get-rich-quick scheme for a vampire would go something like this…
    “Pay me 5 million dollars, and I’ll let you live.”
    “Ok, now pay me 5 million more, and I’ll make you live forever.”


  3. September 4, 2009 9:49 am

    Haha when you put it that way, it’s really amazing Spiderman never got his shit together.

    But yeah, more reasons why I can’t get with the latest vampire craze. Too much like 90210 where young & beautiful rich people whine about young & beautiful rich people problems. Where’s Blade when you need him?

  4. September 4, 2009 11:16 am

    Oh shit, I couldn’t get past the line “vampires are the new trucker hat”! Solid, 24k, gold.


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