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Happy 25th, Ninja Turtles. Thanks for continuing to defy logic.

November 20, 2009
This means three Aprils, amirite? Eh? Amirite?

This means three Aprils, amirite? Cowabunga.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hit 25 this year, and what better way to commemorate the legacy of mutant reptiles with ninja skills who study under a giant geriatric rat and have the hots for a news reporter in a slick yellow pantsuit and fight a brain who lives in a fat naked robot who’s from another dimension alongside a neo-con hobo who fights crime with a hockey stick and a golf club who was played in the movies by holy crap Elias Koteas of all people than with A GIANT BRAIN-MELTING MINDFUCK?

Not buying my hyperbole? Tomorrow at 10 a.m get ready (with drugs) for Turtles Forever, a commemorative cartoon special where the current animated Ninja Turtles team up with not only the turtles from the old-school 90s cartoon, but also the black-and-white originals from the stark-but-zany Eastman and Laird comic books. Did you catch all that? That’s twelve freaking turtles from three different generations all at the same time.

Sadly, the turtles from my era will be the losers of the bunch — 90s Michaelangelo is bound to embarrass us all with his surfer jokes. Play it cool, 90s turtles; maybe 80s April will let us smell her hair.

It’s already a brilliant idea, but hopefully this ends appropriately with a giant pizza party, where the camera pulls back to reveal: THE LIVE-ACTION MOVIE TURTLES WATCHING THE SAME CARTOON WE ARE WATCHING. Extra points for a Koteas cameo. If that happens, the universe can just swallow itself at that point for all I care. Stick Raph’s ninja forks in me. *dead*


3 Comments leave one →
  1. jessekg permalink*
    November 20, 2009 1:48 pm

    is it just me or does Donatello from the live action version sound like Corey Feldman?

  2. Simon permalink*
    November 20, 2009 2:08 pm

    But where is Vanilla Ice?

  3. November 20, 2009 2:16 pm

    Jesse: I’m sure Corey Feldman is in denial about it too.

    Simon: GAH

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